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i don't know how to start this one... ang hirap... it's like i rarely know that person... sobrang layo... sobrang ndi ko alam kung kilala ko ba siya...?!?!? grrr... honestly, ang topak ko lang.. im still slow!!! there's a lot of things to do but i don't feel the burden of doing it.. is it bad...?!?!? am i making sense...?!?!??! ito na ba ang epekto ng ka-toxic-an ko sa buhay...?!?!? wala akong makausap... well meron, pero ung tipong ewan... parang ang layo ko sa mga tao... ewan... i really don't know what's going on... unconsciously im being stagnant [again]...

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i can't... honestly, i can't go on anymore.. kung pwede lang huminto... sobrang alam mo un... tipong ayawan na... pero hindi e... the more i [unconsciously] want to quit, the more God shows me that i can't!!! i shouldn't!!! i don't have the right!!! pero hindi ko na kaya... im undergoing some i don't know what to call it... if ill be given a chance to do something right now... gusto kong umiyak... [actually, i am, right now... kaya nga lang, pinipigilan ko kase baka magtaka ang mga tao dito sa computer shop...]... i want to cry... ung tipong batang nasugatan na walang resort kundi tumakbo sa Tatay niya... para magpagamot ng sugat... iiiyak kase un ung nararamdaman niya... pero ndi kase ako nasanay ng umiiyak pag may sugat e... and lalong sa sobrang daming pain na naranasan ko before, i can't determine the level of pain.. hindi ko na nga nape-perceive na pain ang isang bagay e.. o diba...?! immune na ko.. pero tao pa rin ako... may emotions... un lang ung gusto kong gawin... umiyak... sobrang umiyak... before, whenever i'm feeling something, i always cry... sobrang iyakin ako e... un lang ang alam kong gawin... just ask those persons who have been with me since high school... siguro if there's one word to describe me, it's IYAKIN ... i don't know... akala ko pa naman ok na ko coz i rarely cry for the past years... except when i pray or pag nag-ppraise and worship... pero oo nga noh.. ndi masamang umiyak because it's what you really feel... ndi masamang mag-express ng emotion... ndi masamang aminin sa sarili mo na you can't go on anymore... ndi mo na kaya...

buti na lang nanjan si LOrd... pwedeng mag-ulitan... He's looking for me... and He wants me to come back to Him.. in His loving arms... pwedeng maging bata ulit...

"better is one day in your courts
better is one day in your house
better is one day in your courts
than thousands elsewhere..."

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