I've read somewhere that everyone's miserable. They're just good at hiding it.
I have been trying to find out why this new season seems to be a burden to me. Don't get me wrong -- I enjoy motherhood and I love my little one but something seems to be blocking my view of experiencing it joyfully.
Callie's already 10 months and everything just dawned on me -- why I was struggling, why I can't see things the way it should be, why I felt ineffective and frustrated and depressed. I think I just had post-partum depression. I just got back from my US business trip and I just bursted into tears a few days after while singing Jesus loves me -- as if I'm telling that to myself. I'm grateful that I have a husband who listens and understands and encourages me that I can do it!
I just realized the root cause(s) of what's going on after that incident.
I was too attached to Callie that I don't want her to leave my site when I'm with her. I know it's not bad but because of this, I'm unable to do house chores and that makes me feel ineffective. Although I try to do some of them but I felt that what I'm doing isn't enough.
I was prideful. I told myself that I can do it on my own and I don't need help from anybody. I tried to keep it all together and be composed on the outside but I was not being true to myself either.
I was selfish. I thought that giving Callie my time, my energy, even though I lack enough sleep already means that I'm selfless but it's not. I don't regret that I had a baby, she is so precious and she's our bundle of joy, but I still think about some of the things that I should have or am entitled to -- like I need to have at least 6 hours of sleep, etc -- and when I fail to do so, I subconsciously blame it on my situation.
These things aren't something that people see or even I could see immediately. These things are hidden and they pile up because they're invisible and then you'll just want to quit and not have anything to do with anyone anymore but you can't quit motherhood so you just burst into tears (glad to have a husband who listens and supports).
I just cried it all out to Jesus and admitted that I can't do it on my own... I had to surrender everything to Him. I have to accept the fact that I can't and won't be able to do it on my own. I couldn't take care of my daughter and take care of the house and my husband all at the same time, on my own. I need God's grace. I have to let go of my attachment to my little one and have faith in God that she will be okay no matter what because we have a great God. He is good and His mercy endures forever. He is more than willing to take care of my family if I let Him. These realizations helped me snap out of my current situation and it's only because He loves me and He doesn't give up on me. I am always living only by grace. His ever sufficient grace. Now I'm better and stronger than before because of God's grace.
Comments