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thinking out loud

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just a while ago, my father's checking something on the internet... i was playing street jam with my brother [it's a basketball thingy by the way.. PS2]...

i would like to look for a job while waiting for the november board exam.. when he called me, i thought local yung work na papakita niya.. yun pala he's looking for job opportunities abroad... sabi, ano'ng nurse ba? medical, surgical, ICU, etc.. sabi ko, medical na lang.. then he asked, what country... europe? then sabi ko, di ko alam eh.. kahit ano.. then i went back in front of the tv.. not knowing what to say...

then suddenly, i thought of the future.. what's gonna happen if may kids na ko.. and all... suddenly i found myself asking for a purpose... the very reason why you'll get married.. why you have to live pa... ganun.. parang, okay, i'll have my own family, tapos? hanggang dun na lang ba? i mean, i'll work and feed them? ganun?

tapos tinigilan ko nang maglaro kase nagluluha ang mata ko kasi mahapdi.. hehehehe
saka masakit na sa daliri..
i played pc games na lang.. kaya lang walang mapagtripan.. it seems like wala ko sa mood.. ganun... hehehehe

then naisip ko nanaman yun..

what's gonna happen to me in the future.. i mean, i have to ask God about it... i need direction... i badly need it... ayokong kaya ka lang nageendure kase you'll work, feed your kids.. ganun...

i'm praying while playing pet salon.. sabi ko kay Lord, Lord... what can i do... why do i have to have kids... i mean, papakainin ko lang ba sila? mamahalin? then it hit me... you have to raise up the next generation...

oo nga noh... yeah...

hindi ka lang magkakaron ng family just to have a family... hindi ka lang magtatrabaho for the sake na mabuhay ka.... there's always something... there's always a reason why you're like this and like that...

honestly, kung meron man akong nararamdaman for the past weeks... month... hoooh.. yun yung anxiety... hehehe [fear of the unknown]... i don't know what's gonna happen next... but i'm not letting that fear creep in.. i have a BIG GOD! and my future is secured with HIM... my soul secure.. Your promise sure... Your love endures always... hoooh...

i just don't know what's gonna happen next.. where He'll take me.. but this i'm sure.. His glory will be revealed... ! hooooooooooooh LORD!!!!

just have to remain in HIM... just have to really believe... and obey...

i have a word... "stay"...

hooh.. don't know how to explain it to my parents.. but i pray that God will grant me so much grace... hooooooooooooooooh... grace...

Oh Lord..
I trust in You alone..
I'm holding on to Your promises
and i believe it shall come to pass...
I'm asking You to take me where You want me to go...
I'll just follow..
and allow me to be patient God..
just be patient...
Hooh Lord...

I know who I am
I know who I am
I know who I am
I am YOURS
I am YOURS...
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